


Should He?

by ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky (LiaIsInLove)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Harry, Depression, Harry-centric, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Harry, Suicidal Harry, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Trigger Warnings, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 04:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6454849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thing is, Harry's unhappy.</p><p>Massive trigger warnings for mental illness and suicide. Please do not read if you have any chance whatsoever of being triggered by this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Should He?

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Should He?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3421355) by [LiaIsInLove](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove). 



> Okay. This one is loaded. But I am so incredibly serious when I say DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. I don't care who you are, if reading this might cause you any harm, then I am begging you not to. I know that there are plenty of you who will read this anyways with the purpose of triggering yourself, and for those people, I am begging you not to. It's not worth it, and I can preemptively say that it's just fan fiction, real life is better anyways, you're not missing anything crucial to your life, and I'd much rather you be safe and happy having not read my writing than miserable and in a dangerous place having read it.
> 
> Alright, more notes at the end. But seriously. Please do not read if you are not in a safe place.

Harry sighed.  He could never get it right, could he?  Even when he was on top of the world, living the dream, he still wasn’t happy. And he hated that. He hated it so much. But more than that, he hated himself. Because what the fuck was wrong with him. He literally has it so good, better than 99.9% of the world, and he’s still an ungrateful little shit. But the thing is, he’s not ungrateful. He’s so, so incredibly grateful for the amazing life he has.  It’s just that he’s not happy.  And he tries to be happy.  He really does. He tries so fucking hard. But no matter what, no matter how many shows they sell out, or how many screaming fans they have, or how much he loves singing, or how many friends he has, or how proud his family is, or loved he is, or how much money he makes, he still isn’t happy.

And it’s not that he’s never happy. He is.  When he’s singing on stage, or chilling with his boys. But even then, there’s a faint sliver of misery that sits inside of him.  A quiet voice in the back of his head, begging him to give up. And when everyone leaves and he’s on his own, it becomes unbearable.  And Harry hates it.

The thing is, Harry’s unhappy. He’s so unhappy all of the time. Like when Liam goes to the gym without him, his insides burn with the feeling of being unwanted. Or when Zayn decides to go home instead of stay and hang out with him, his heart aches because he knows that Zayn doesn’t want to spend time with him (who would?).  Or when Louis cracks a joke at his expense, the voices in his head scream that he is an inadequate fuck up and Louis was just being honest. Or even when Niall doesn’t ask him how he’s doing, his chest feels as though it will explode with the hatred.

He’s just so sad.  All of the time.  It’s like the world is grey, and everything is moving in slow motion, and he’s stuck in a dream. He drifts listlessly through life, days blurring in and out of motion, hazy and unclear. His memories are covered in fog; they float in the back of his head, a constant reminder but never fully in focus. And it’s as though he can’t remember anything.  All he can remember is that he’s always felt this way.  And nothing else matters.

Yet the sad thing is, no one knows. No one ever notices that Harry is not in the room.  He’s there, but he’s not really there.  He can see happiness, and he can touch happiness, but he can never truly feel it; it is always just beyond his desperate grasp.  And that kills him. Because he wants so badly to be happy. He really wants nothing more than to be content with his perfect life.  But he just can’t.  He just can’t.

It breaks him inside to know that no matter what, he’ll never be happy.

And it’s not like he doesn’t try. It’s not like he doesn’t do everything in his power to make himself  _feel_  again.  It’s just that nothing works.  His whole life is a frozen grey.  It’s numb, and barren, and it’s like someone took his whole body and froze him so that each heartbeat pushing life through his veins, each traitorous heartbeat is sluggish and labored, his blood congealed and frozen solid.  He’s at the point where he can’t even feel the cold anymore because how can anything be colder than his heart.

He tried to make the pain go away. He really did. He thought that maybe if he could hurt himself enough, the dark shadows would slither away. And perhaps that was naïve, perhaps that was stupid, but the idea of living any longer was so painful that he had to do something.  The searing marks on his hips scorched through the ice, melting it, cleaving his frozen skin in two. And it felt so good to feel again. It felt so wonderfully, marvelously freeing to take the pain from his heart and place it on his skin. Because that’s really what he was doing: transferring the pain to a place where it hurt less, where he could see it, where he could understand it, and where he could fix it. Yet nothing, not even the burning scars on his hips, could drive away the darkness forever. Nothing could.

And Harry was tired.  He was so goddamn tired.  All of the time.  He was utterly exhausted. He would wake up each morning and still feel like he was asleep, dreaming, living life inside a cloud of fog. And each night, sleep would bring no relief.  Because it came with the knowledge that he would have to wake up and do it all over again.

And the truth, the real and honest truth, wasn’t just that Harry was tired.  It was that Harry was tired of. Tired of trying.  Tired of failing.  Tired of fighting a battle he's destined to lose.  Tired of working.  Tired of talking.  Tired of being around people.  Tired of being alone.  Tired of hating himself.  Tired of hurting himself.  Tired of trying to clean up the mess he's made of his life.  Tired of trying so hard only to ever be disappointed.  Tired of caring.  Tired of people not caring.  Tired of being unloved.  Tired of knowing that nothing he does will ever make this pain go away.  Tired of waking up wishing that he hadn’t.  Tired of smiling.  Tired of pretending.  Tired of acting.  Tired of singing.  Tired of smiling.  Tired of laughing.  Tired of lying.  Tired of trying.  Tired of eating.  Tired of breathing.  Tired of living.  Tired of sleeping.  Tired of life.  Tired of being alive.  He's just really fucking tired.  Harry was tired of living. That’s the truth of it.

Sighing once more, Harry looked down at the pills. Should he?

**Author's Note:**

> You are all so important. So please keep fighting. You are all warriors and I know you can do it.  
>  
> 
> Reasons Why You Shouldn't Commit Suicide:  
> We’d miss you  
> It's not worth the regret either by yourself if you failed or left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you  
> It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow  
> There's so much you’d miss out on  
> There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now but it's always there  
> So many people care, and it'd hurt them if you hurt yourself  
> You ARE worth it. Don't let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise  
> You're amazing  
> A time will come, where you'll be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won't regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better  
> What about all the things you've always wanted to do? You can't do them when you're dead  
> I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that's still a reason to stay alive  
> You won't be able to listen to music if you die  
> Killing yourself is never worth it. You'll hurt yourself and all the people you care about  
> There are so many people that'd miss you, including me  
> You're preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born  
> You're gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect  
> You'd never get to hear your favorite singer again  
> Drinking tea  
> Being alive is just really good  
> Not being alive is really bad  
> Finding your soulmate  
> Pandas  
> Really soft pillows  
> Proving people wrong with your success  
> Seeing someone trip over a garbage can  
> Helping others  
> Sitting on rooftops  
> You might win the lottery  
> Taking cool pictures  
> Meeting thousands of new people  
> Hearing crazy stories  
> Telling crazy stories  
> Eating ice cream  
> Harry Potter  
> Randomly running into your hero on the street  
> Trampolines  
> You'd never get to watch your favorite movie again  
> Laughing out loud in public because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke
> 
>  
> 
> Suicide & Other Support Hotlines:  
> World-wide - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122914996788/suicide-hotlines-worldwide  
> USA - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915395263/suicide-hotlines-usa  
> UK - http://still-learning-2love-myself.tumblr.com/post/122915280248/suicide-hotlines-uk
> 
>    
> Here's the deal: THIS IS NOT PLAGIARIZED! I wrote the original story, as Niall-centric and posted it to my main account LiaIsInLove (http://archiveofourown.org/works/3421355). I wrote and posted this because I've been wondering how people might react differently to my stories if they weren't Niall-centric. Basically, this is an experiment to see if, by writing Harry-centric and shipping Larry I might get more feedback.
> 
> As a hardcore Nialler girl, I find myself having reached the point where I only read Niall-centric stories. I know that I am absolutely limiting myself to a small percent of the stories written and missing a lot of great stories purely because they are about someone other than my fave. And it's not like I haven't tried to be more open-minded when it comes to reading, it's just that unless it's about Niall, it literally does not hold my attention, no matter how well written and great it is. I cannot explain it and I feel awful about it because I know I really am missing a lot of great fics by being so narrow-minded when it comes to what I do/don't read. My point is that I'm sure at least some of you are like this as well, not reading a story unless it's about your fave. So I'm trying to open up my stories to a new market, to see if I can get the messages across that way. Because I write about some important issues, and I don't want my writing to only be limited to the same group of readers, I want to reach as many people as I can with my writing.
> 
> So in short, yes, this is an experiment, but it's also more than that. In writing, I hope to spread awareness about mental illness, and let people know that they are not alone. So if I can open up my writing to new audiences, then I will. So that's what I'm trying to do here, and what I will be trying to do on this account. (But to clarify, in my mind, this story is still about Niall).
> 
>    
> If nothing else, please know that I am ALWAYS here if ever you need someone to talk to or to support you or if you just need a friend, so don't ever think you are alone because you are not. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> You are important, you are kind, you are smart, you are special, and you are loved. Please remember that. I love you all so much.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia


End file.
